Press "Play" The Blog Unleashed 3: Nostris Ex Assentia vs. Holyfield
Last updated on April 15, 2011 at 11:12 PM

You know what really grinds my gears? Here's a hint: It's something that's gotten progressively worse as the years roll on. It also, in my humble opinion, has been a major contributor to the vaguely unclean, seedy image that surround the video game industry.

What is this scourge? Simply put, the use of unnecessarily long, oddly worded titles for games.

In the old days (gods, next thing you know I'm going to be yelling at kids to "Get off my DDR mat!") games had simple, effective and, most importantly, evocative titles.

"Death Race" was, quite simply, a game where a player raced cars while trying to accumulate as much death as possible.

"Mutant League Football" was a football game whereby mutants competed, ostensibly, in a league.

And, don't even get me started on the simple and elegant beauty behind the title "Streets of Rage." I don't mean to spoil anything, but there were streets involved, and they were positively brimming with rage.

Doy you want to know what passes as a game title today? Well, you better if you've continued reading thus far: "Dissidia (duodecim) 012: Final Fantasy." If you've fallen out of your chair attempting to parse that, worry not, you are not alone. Perhaps the worst part is that I typed the previous line verbatim from the title screen.

Next up to bat (and strike out) is "Final Fantasy Fabula Nova Crystallis." What ... what the hell is that even supposed to mean? It looks like something the product placement team for HIM (the band, not the magazine) put together because it looked cool in Papyrus font. And no, before you ask, I am not a fan of Papyrus font.

Hopefully I'm not giving you the impression that this falls squarely on Square's shoulders either:

  • "Klonoa: Door to Phantomile" (PS1) makes it sound like poor Klonoa is has the unexciting task of finding the door to a factory tasked with producing fiber-enriched cereal for senior citizen consumption.

  • "flOw" (PSN), while being a "Totally Rad" game that you should pay hard-earned cash to download this very second, also has a name that reminds me of that one terrifying day when the boys got separated from the girls for the first time in health class. In other words, innocence lost, my friends.

  • "Mobile Suit Gundam: Gundam vs. Zeta Gundam" (PS2) for some reason has two Gundam's too many. Perhaps it is an attempt to teach school children how to pick out games that will end up in bargain bins within two weeks, solely by name alone.

  • "Hunter: The Reckoning: Redeemer" (Xbox) sounds like somebody mashed together the name of their '80s band, the title of that band's best-selling album and the number-one single off said album, then separted all three with colons. Colons, after all, are language's free pass to give it a chocolate swirly.

  • "Beyond the Beyond" (PS1) I guess would make you really far beyond that beyond you're looking to get beyond. It's beyond me how you got so far beyond that.

And, while we're at this party, let's not allow the consoles themselves off the hook.

Xbox was, and continues to be, a terrible name. "What has the 'X' to do with anything?" That's a question I've never been asked. But, should someone have the courage and intestinal fortitude I would tell them this, "It means nothing, my poor deluded friend. I'm sorry to shatter your hopes and dreams, but when it got around to marketing, the people at Microsoft decided an 'X' would be sufficient to the needs of a logo. It is not. It is an 'X.' Even the 'X-Men' managed to slap a '-Men' on there. God!"

At the very least, my friends and readers, we can agree on one thing: The Gamecube is the most accurately named console ever. It was in fact a little cube that played games, and did so sufficient to entertain me in the brief time betwixt sessions of "Halo 2" and "God of War."

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